I’m getting ready to head out to my first chemotherapy session this morning and I’m petrified. It makes me sick to my stomach thinking of all the toxic substances that are going to go into my body. I know I’m not the first person who’s ever done chemo and I know I won’t be the last, but this is the only time (hopefully) I will go through chemo. I don’t use drugs and have never relied on drugs to get me through anything. What I’ve relied on is the massive amount of energy I inherited from my mother to get me through everything I’ve ever done. I feel my energy waning now, even before chemo starts, and I’m told it will wane even more during chemo.
My energy has always been my calling card and I won’t have that to hand out for a long while. It’s taken massive amounts of energy to push myself over the years to go where I’ve gone, do what I’ve done, become who I’ve wanted to become, to give myself permission to plan for my future instead of the way I grew up, frantically scrabbling to survive. I have willingly given my energy to my family and friends over the years, to my students, and, most importantly, to Libby. I don’t have it right now and it’s changing my whole concept of who I am in the world.
I know I will get through this, know when the game ends I will be a winner, but it’s the game I’m going to have to play that is blowing my mind right now. I didn’t choose the game, the game chose me. I’ve chosen the players (my incredible doctors) but this is not a game I ever thought I would play and it’s definitely not a game I will enjoy. It’s the only game I’ve got, though, a game that has taken over my life right now whether I like it or not.
Thanks for reading.
PS. The picture is of my niece and nephew, the people I love most in the world besides Libby. They’re clowning around in NYC the day after our wonderful wedding. That picture, minus the clowning around, is exactly how I feel!